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Driving Rant!

/rant on

Okay, since I commute to work now I have the opportunity 10 times a week to experience stupid people up close. I have a few things to say about this, and I am hoping that if my message changes the driving behavior of even one person, my life will be complete.

First of all, when someone commits a carpidities* it is similar to the way griefers internet dorks are free to do and say whatever they want to because there is nobody willing to go find them and confront them for their actions. Just as I am not going to go look up “133tKiLL4″ for shooting me with a virtual bullet and telling me he “r0xxor3d” me and kicking them in the balls, I’m not willing to get out of my car on the freeway to break a carpidite’s window and smacking ches** in the face. This is probably the same reason some people feel that picking their nose and a sundry of other more unpleasant acts to be perfectly suitable within the confines of their mobile glass domicile. So as a driver and knowing this it seems perfectly logical to objectify the other drivers on the road as merely obstacles, playthings and opportunities to take pleasure in grief. I will go ahead and list the things I see that I don’t like very much.

Merging
This is probably the worst one for me. Looking at things from a mathematical standpoint it is well known that an even zipper (which is an enforced law in Germany I hear) will create the smoothest flow of traffic. It never ceases to amaze me however, the lengths that one will go to for a single car length of distance. Imagine a world where people drive themselves off the right side of the road, passing previously merged cars from their own lane and forcing their way ahead of the line at an already merged point in traffic, pissing off everyone behind them for the sake of two car lengths in 5 mph traffic. What did they gain? What could they possibly have gained from that action that will carry through to their future? 5 seconds? The most common thing I see is people trying the tailgate method to piggy-back into a zipper slot with two cars rather than one. I could understand if there was some sort of acceleration mismatch or misunderstanding in the unspoken world of driving etiquette, but you can tell these people are pros and getting that extra 10 feet ahead in the traffic jam is like winning the lottery. Once a few days ago in fact, I saw a person in a mini-van about to commit this very carpidity so I cut ches off. Che then had the audacity to honk at me for thwarting ches attempt to commit said carpidity! And I do, yes I indeed do go to great lengths to disallow these people from accomplishing this mission. I will drive the middle of a merging lane after the line has stopped + 2 car lengths. I will tailgate the person I just merged behind to prevent further merging in front of me per lane.

Lane Weaving
It is almost humorous to me seeing people in 20mph traffic changing lanes frantically from perceived slow to perceived fast lanes trying to gain the quarter-mile edge on their 60 minute drive to work. More times than not, by the time we are out of traffic the frantically weaving person is only a few car lengths ahead of me. Now does it make sense to go through all that trouble for those few seconds spared on the way to work? For me, I prefer finding one lane and sticking to it until there is a true need to change lanes. Traffic wise, it is also true that any lane change that causes the person behind you to slow down also causes cars in sequence behind that person to slow down for the next half hour or so, so for the few seconds that person may gain, they contribute to the slow speed of traffic with a combined total a hundred times greater than they gained, which is why it isn’t very nice. And I do, yes indeed I do enjoy the thrill of seeing one of these people jump into a lane that ends up being slower and then forcing them into my lane a car or two behind where they started before they changed lanes. I cackle with glee!

Blinkers
There are four kinds of blinker-ers. 1) The kind of person who habitually uses blinkers on every turn everywhere all the time, sometimes even when there is no option but the turn itself and no blinker is needed. 2) The kind of person who is aware of their surrounding drivers and can perceive perfectly the need for a blinker to convey polite information to each person, only using a blinker in these cases where useful information can be conveyed. 3) People who only use blinkers if it would benefit them in some way. An example: the third kind of person would use a left blinker at a stop sign in there was a person driving toward them on the opposite side of the intersection. They would not use a right blinker to inform a person coming up to the right side of the intersection that they are not going straight. In the former case the person in the opposing side of the intersection may have gone straight and prevented ches from turning on the right-of-way but in the second instance che gains nothing by telling the driver to their right that che is turning, though the person ends up waiting for ches to turn to find that out. 4) People who don’t use blinkers because the blinker stick is too far away. Basically lazy or purposely reckless people who are likely to cause accidents from their negligence in the responsibility of driving. Now, I am type 1. I also drive the speed limit. So sue me. I’m not getting in any accidents, I am not causing any accidents, I am not pissing anyone off on the road (besides people behind me who would prefer to drive recklessly and earn speeding tickets) and I don’t get tickets!

Driving Fast
This one I know people are most commonly guilty of. Not I of course, but most people. Not much I can say to dissuade people from doing this other than a pro and con list:

Cons:
- Worse gas mileage.
- It’s Illegal
- You get speeding tickets
- More wear and tear on car
- life threatening to yourself and people around you
- More stressful

Pros:

- On a 65 mile trip, going 75mph instead of 65mph will get you there in 56 minutes rather than 60 minutes.
- If you get in a crash, you won’t have to worry about those nagging hospital bills.

Aaron, tell us what to do about this scourge on the earth!

Well, the most effective method would probably be rocket propelled grenades. Followed closely by various large caliber, high cyclic rate firearms mounted to the roof of your car. Unfortunately there are some silly laws about these obvious convenient car appliances. The next option, and one that I really like is a two-sided marquee mounted on the roof of your car. Have quick pre-programmed buttons that you can hit and it will loftily scroll such phrases as:
LEARN TO MERGE!
BLINKERS, NOT JUST FOR DRIVING SCHOOL ANYMORE!
THE ROAD BELONGS TO YOU, DON’T LET THE OTHER 300 OF US GET IN YOUR WAY!
I HOPE YOU CRASH AND DIE!
It is possible that this problem will never be solved until drivers licenses are only given to people on a professional basis and only after a full psyche examination. I do dream of a perfect world in the future where human minds are replaced on the road with computers, which are inherently more polite than people. Until that time, think about your fellow peers on the road, they are all people just trying to get from point A to point B like you are. Treat each other with respect and karma will find your place in the world as somehting other than a hamburger patty between two gravel trucks.

And thus ends my rant. Drive safe now!

/rant off

*carpidity is a stupidity done with a large deadly chunk of metal on powered wheels.

**che and ches are words that I created to replace he, him, his and the improper they, them, their as non-gender specific subject identifiers.

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What a crazy week!

Wednesday I got a chance to murder Mike Donegan, well part of him anyway. Specifically the part of him that wasn’t allowed to brew or imbibe beer. That was a good time.

Day after that of course was St. Patty’s day. Starting in the wee hours of the afternoon Jordan and I set up camp next to the Guinness station that Mike D was manning diligently. This accomplished three things. 1) We got a table and chairs before the place was overflowing to the point of a fire hazard as it always does. 2) We got to eat these fantastic corned beef sandwiches and potatoes right before they ran out. 3) We got our beer count up past the 15 mark by the end of the night. How did we know this after 15+ beers? We counted our schwag.

Two days after that there was a HUGE and FANTASTIC party at Mike D’s house again (funny, his name keeps popping up). This time we resurrected him from the beyond and bore him into his new life! So many cool and strange things happened there, and I can barely recall them.

Speaking of this wonderful party at this wonderful house, I am moving in there. I know, I know. I know what you are going to ask because it’s the same thing everyone asks. “Does that mean Mike D and Aaron are going to be living in the same house?” Why yes, that would be correct. Okay, okay, I can see the shock written all over your face, but be assured that though you can expect many wonderful adventures ahead as a result of this, we promise to keep all of the continents on the planet exactly as we found them. In the words of Homer the Wise, “It was like that when I got here.”

In other news, we dusted that keg of Paulners Salvatore at the rebirth party so it’s time to start thinking of the next keg up. I’m thinking maybe some Maudite? Maybe another keg of cider. We’ll see, but we’ll see soon.

Music pick: Macross Plus Soundtrack – Time to start thinking about that club idea I have. Some nice songs on this one.

Movie/TV pick: Serenity – I can’t wait!

Game pick: World of Warcraft – This is the greatest game created by humans in the history of the universe. Will be hard to dislodge this.

Web pick: Phrase Etymology – Could spend hours reading this stuff. So interesting!

-Aaron

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I’m back baby!

Long time coming I know. There were numerous technical difficulties with my web hosting and they should all be hashed out now except that there is no forum now. I am hoping to soon replace that with a Wiki page but gimme a little time.

Updates in Aaron land… One of my greatest friends Mike Donegan has had a terribly trying past month and I have been doing my best to be there for him. I won’t really go into the details but if you want to go visit him, check out his site and see what’s going on. As mentioned before I have a new job. This is now more concrete and in direct proportion butterflies are now escaping from my proverbial tummy. I can tell you honestly that working an honest days work, driving home and slumping on your couch exhausted from a full day of cramming your head full of technology that you have no right absorbing is much more satisfying that sitting on your ass playing video games, though I still get a little of that in now and then. My sincere thanks to Jeff Fredrick and Jayson Minard for their help in getting me back on my feet, and you really don’t know how close I was to being a hobo. This market is tough!

In gaming, I am now a level 58 warrior on [censored] server [censored] side in the game [censored]. Okay, that was silly, and even more silly considering my personal stalker already knows which server I play on and has a level 60 character on that server… coincidentally. And despite the multi-various coincidental car followings, uninvited place of residence visitings, place of employment showing-up-and-starings, moving to my state, thirteen-phone-call-in-a-row-makings and pretending-to-be-someone-out-of-the-blue-online-meeting-to-show-me-she-isn’t-a-stalker incidents, I believe that her finding a new home in lovely Santa Cruz was also a coincidence. Okay, so yes, I’m having trouble sleeping at night. Which brings me to the next portion of my update, my favorite new links.

Sig Sauer
Ruger
Beretta
Smith & Wesson
Walther
Glock
P-90
Cold Steel
Bugei

But really no relation to the text previous to these links or the fact that I am getting a restraining order.

Some things coming up, many parties. The perks to being a complete dork all the time around everyone you meet: you get invited to parties! Death Party, Rebirth Party, St. Patty’s Party X 2, Fashion Show Party X 2, Golden Showers Party (no, I wasn’t invited /cry). So a fun month for me.

In other news, I got a keg of Paulner’s Salvatore. I didn’t think it was possible, I’m still in shock but it’s here, in my keggerator. Mike Donegan came over and cooked me a fantastic German meal with vinegar bacon potatoes, pickled red cabbage and pork tenderloins. I have never tasted something so… okay, picture a cross between the harem scene in Conan the Barbarian and hardening arteries. But it was oh so gooooood….

Music pick: Mind in a Box – How did this escape me?!? Thank you Eugene and Amelia for the awakening!

Movie pick: Constantine – If only life were this easy.

Game pick: World of Warcraft – This is the greatest game created by humans in the history of the universe.

Web pick: Numa Numa – You actually have to wait a good while for this to load. Just take your time, go grab a snack, a glass of water, a phased tachyon pulse emitted through the sensor array to create a warp variance field. It’s worth the wait.

-Aaron