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True story.

So here is a story that I have not really told too many people because it is possibly one of the most embarrassing things I have ever done. I now splay myself open for all to read.

One day I went to a wedding of a friend of mine. It was great and the reception had lots of champagne. The problem was, nobody was drinking the champagne. I asked what would become of it and I was told all those open bottles would go down the drain. Something had to be done! I took it on myself to make sure it all found a proper home, ignoring the fact that I was at a formal event. Luckily, I did make it out of the reception without doing anything terribly embarrassing besides declaring, “I’m going to a titty bar!”

So we leave and hop in a taxi to go to a titty bar. There is an entry fee and an ATM. I go to grab some cash but the ATM machine eats my card!!! By now I can barely see. We decide not to go in the topless bar, though it was beckoning to me ever so sweetly with the stench of pheromone enhanced perfumes, watered down drinks and moist trousers.

So the girl I was with and I decide to walk back. Then I turn into a werewolf. In glee I begin to chase this girl through the streets growling like I’m furry and in London, until two police officers stop us and tell us it is very late and we should get home or be arrested. We wholeheartedly agree and then I turn into a werewolf again. Now, somehow between alcohol induced blindness and the brown lupine fur blocking my eyes, she gets back to the hotel room 50 feet away from us and I get lost. I wander aimlessly until I happen upon what appears to be a gathering of thugs. They look at me strangely, no doubt wondering how I got all that hair, and I decide to run away. It is a little known fact that werewolves are not supposed to wear dress shoes. So I land wrong on one foot and sprain my ankle badly. It hurt a lot. I wander off limping until I find a friendly coffee shop. Now if you can imagine being sober and seeing a man limp in to your coffee shop with ripped dress pants and a suit and tie, slurring out a request for directions to a hotel that he does not know the name of and who may or may not have a canine snout full of teeth, it would look odd. So they were no help. I decided to walk further. I finally flagged down a taxi and he had mercy on me and took me to the hotel, 1 block away, even though I had no money. I told him he would be paid when we got there.

When we got there, my friends were there with open arms and we all had a good chuckle.

So anyone who is anyone should visit this site. Send them some stories of your own. Got any pictures of you passed out with sharpie marks on your face? Send them in! Sponsor-A-Drunk.

-Aaron

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Hear ye, hear ye!

It’s that time of the year again. I will be working at the faire the first weekend of September through the second weekend of October.

Not sure what to do about my birthday, but it may involve busty wenches pampering me while I drink chia laden whisky.

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Irony

I recently read the most ironic thing I have ever read in my life. It seems that a teacher in Kansas had a co-worker of his put a FSM poster on his classroom door. The board of directors who are bent on having Intelligent Design taught in science class saw the poster on a walk-through and Connie Morris, one of the board members, had this to say, “The scary thing is that some of these Pastafarians actually believe in their religion.” Unfortunately, the article seems to have been removed from the Wichita Eagle newspaper that originally published it. Funny that.

Edit: I found the quote and it is not quite so damning, so to speak, but still telling.

“They are very serious about claiming to be a religion,” she said. “We know it’s a satire. I don’t mind the ridicule; it comes with the job. But I do personally object to my own religious beliefs being ridiculed, and that’s what the Pastafarians delight in doing.”

So for one thing she contradicts herself by saying she doesn’t mind the ridicule but objects to being ridiculed. For another, yes it is satire but it is the entire point of that particular satire to say that it deserves to be a religion as much as any other belief does because they are equally plausible. The truth is, the Pastafarians are more serious about making that point than about forming a religion.

To me all of the fairy-tale bits of all religions look equally implausible. From Joseph Smith’s gold plates and oracle stones, to Noah’s Ark and Adam and Eve, Mount Olympus and the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory and by all I hold dear that crazy Xenu. They really are all on par with each other and probably meant to be allegorical (a point that is somehow lost on fundamentalists).

All I know is that if Bobby Henderson saves up enough money from his book sales to buy that pirate ship, I want a ride on it and at that point, Pastafarianism will have given me more than any other religion.

-Aaron

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Mommy Dearest

Last weekend, as I mentioned previously, my mom came to visit me and help outfit my new place. I must say that was one of the greatest coolest things she has ever done and I am really quite happy about it. Thank you Mom.

This week I am finishing up the move. Yesterday I did the final cleaning and this Saturday I am filling in all the holes in the wall from where I hung the speakers and pictures. I am kind of unhappy about the need to punch holes in the walls to hang stuff up and would like some suggestions for an alternative to that. Otherwise I may forgo pictures this time. I have the speakers set up in such a way that they are head level and perfectly placed around the room without hanging them on the wall which is quite nice. The acoustics in the room are actually quite grand and I have been spending a bit of time watching movies because they just sound so great! I even got some used movies that I remember having excellent sound. It is quite a thing to watch Master and Commander for the 35th time with really good sound.

I also planted a garden! Now to see if I have a green thumb or a rake. I planted thyme, marjoram, sage, chives, oregano, parsley, onions, pumpkins, tomatoes, chili peppers, ancho peppers, habanero peppers, carrots and some nice flowers. It’s right outside my front door too so I water it lightly every time I leave the house. It works out great!

So now with everything moved, there is still some unpacking left but I am almost done. I am thrilled with the prospect of being “done” so I can have an entire day to just sit and have nothing left to do with this move. Those kind of days are so rare. We will see if I can have one of them soon.

Also, I have been without an internet connection at home for close to two weeks. I almost died.

In other news, Snakes on a Plane is coming out this Friday. Now I am sure you, like I at one time, may be thinking or at one time thought that this movie was going to be the stupidest movie ever created. Not only is it a really dumb idea for a plot but the producer claims to have changed the script four times over the course of the seven years of filming or whatnot. I am not savvy on the details but it spells ‘B’ movie. So how is it getting the advertising budget? Elementary my dear Watson, this movie is going to be great! Either that or it is the best viral marketing campaign ever. The concept of this movie is all over the internet, fan films already being made about it and you can even have Samuel Jackson talk to you. So either this Friday the entire world will let out a terrible groan of agony when they all go to see it, or it will be the next Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

See you at the movies!

-Aaron

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Personal Space Bubble

So I am mostly moved in. It is a quaint little place and it was relaxing to spend the night there, watching a movie… Alone. I also went grocery shopping. I bought all kinds of things like condiments, sauce, things like that and neglected to get any food, but it is for the better because as it turns out I am missing a few essentials for cooking said food. My mom is coming this weekend to help me shop for those things. Like a trash can! Woo! Trash can yay!

Last night I watched Star Wars Episode 1. The movie really isn’t half bad except for three things.

A) Midichlorians. Every kid who saw Star Wars Episode 4 went home and tried using The Force. The reason was it was a semi-magical force of nature shrouded in mysticism. In the new movie it is like HIV. Nobody wants organisms in their blood so it is not nearly as fascinating. I don’t know what drove Lucas to that plot artifact. Maybe it was simply so he didn’t have to go back to the ship to tell Obi-Wan that the kid was strong with The Force? I don’t know… but they talk about it a lot throughout the movie. The immaculate conception bit was a little off too. He could have just as easily skipped the whole thing really and have them take Anakin home to train as a Jedi and not make a big haboo about it.

B) R2-D2 and C3-PO. They spent WAY too much time dwelling on these two as tie-ins to the original trilogy. When R2 fixes the shield generator on the ship they all stand around staring at him and congratulating him for like a full minute and a half of the movie. It was painful to watch and … not needed. We could have all made the assumption ourselves. It’s like someone pointing at a flashing neon sign so you know it is there.

C) Jar-Jar. Everyone loves to hate him, but in episodes 2 and 3 he’s not that bad. In the first movie however, he is so over the top slapstick that you just have to cringe. I’m just waiting for the Gungan Adventures Christmas Special to come out on ABC.

Things the movie did right:

A) The podrace. I am prepared to say that the pod race is the best vehicle racing scene in any movie ever.

B) Puppets. They still had Yoda as a puppet. The aliens were mostly in costumes and not CGI. Let me tell you that on a high definition TV screen, that CGI looks like crap. The puppets and costumes shine.

Well this movie review may be a little late but hey… it’s MY BLOG!

-Aaron