Driving Rant!

/rant on

Okay, since I commute to work now I have the opportunity 10 times a week to experience stupid people up close. I have a few things to say about this, and I am hoping that if my message changes the driving behavior of even one person, my life will be complete.

First of all, when someone commits a carpidities* it is similar to the way griefers internet dorks are free to do and say whatever they want to because there is nobody willing to go find them and confront them for their actions. Just as I am not going to go look up “133tKiLL4″ for shooting me with a virtual bullet and telling me he “r0xxor3d” me and kicking them in the balls, I’m not willing to get out of my car on the freeway to break a carpidite’s window and smacking ches** in the face. This is probably the same reason some people feel that picking their nose and a sundry of other more unpleasant acts to be perfectly suitable within the confines of their mobile glass domicile. So as a driver and knowing this it seems perfectly logical to objectify the other drivers on the road as merely obstacles, playthings and opportunities to take pleasure in grief. I will go ahead and list the things I see that I don’t like very much.

This is probably the worst one for me. Looking at things from a mathematical standpoint it is well known that an even zipper (which is an enforced law in Germany I hear) will create the smoothest flow of traffic. It never ceases to amaze me however, the lengths that one will go to for a single car length of distance. Imagine a world where people drive themselves off the right side of the road, passing previously merged cars from their own lane and forcing their way ahead of the line at an already merged point in traffic, pissing off everyone behind them for the sake of two car lengths in 5 mph traffic. What did they gain? What could they possibly have gained from that action that will carry through to their future? 5 seconds? The most common thing I see is people trying the tailgate method to piggy-back into a zipper slot with two cars rather than one. I could understand if there was some sort of acceleration mismatch or misunderstanding in the unspoken world of driving etiquette, but you can tell these people are pros and getting that extra 10 feet ahead in the traffic jam is like winning the lottery. Once a few days ago in fact, I saw a person in a mini-van about to commit this very carpidity so I cut ches off. Che then had the audacity to honk at me for thwarting ches attempt to commit said carpidity! And I do, yes I indeed do go to great lengths to disallow these people from accomplishing this mission. I will drive the middle of a merging lane after the line has stopped + 2 car lengths. I will tailgate the person I just merged behind to prevent further merging in front of me per lane.

Lane Weaving
It is almost humorous to me seeing people in 20mph traffic changing lanes frantically from perceived slow to perceived fast lanes trying to gain the quarter-mile edge on their 60 minute drive to work. More times than not, by the time we are out of traffic the frantically weaving person is only a few car lengths ahead of me. Now does it make sense to go through all that trouble for those few seconds spared on the way to work? For me, I prefer finding one lane and sticking to it until there is a true need to change lanes. Traffic wise, it is also true that any lane change that causes the person behind you to slow down also causes cars in sequence behind that person to slow down for the next half hour or so, so for the few seconds that person may gain, they contribute to the slow speed of traffic with a combined total a hundred times greater than they gained, which is why it isn’t very nice. And I do, yes indeed I do enjoy the thrill of seeing one of these people jump into a lane that ends up being slower and then forcing them into my lane a car or two behind where they started before they changed lanes. I cackle with glee!

There are four kinds of blinker-ers. 1) The kind of person who habitually uses blinkers on every turn everywhere all the time, sometimes even when there is no option but the turn itself and no blinker is needed. 2) The kind of person who is aware of their surrounding drivers and can perceive perfectly the need for a blinker to convey polite information to each person, only using a blinker in these cases where useful information can be conveyed. 3) People who only use blinkers if it would benefit them in some way. An example: the third kind of person would use a left blinker at a stop sign in there was a person driving toward them on the opposite side of the intersection. They would not use a right blinker to inform a person coming up to the right side of the intersection that they are not going straight. In the former case the person in the opposing side of the intersection may have gone straight and prevented ches from turning on the right-of-way but in the second instance che gains nothing by telling the driver to their right that che is turning, though the person ends up waiting for ches to turn to find that out. 4) People who don’t use blinkers because the blinker stick is too far away. Basically lazy or purposely reckless people who are likely to cause accidents from their negligence in the responsibility of driving. Now, I am type 1. I also drive the speed limit. So sue me. I’m not getting in any accidents, I am not causing any accidents, I am not pissing anyone off on the road (besides people behind me who would prefer to drive recklessly and earn speeding tickets) and I don’t get tickets!

Driving Fast
This one I know people are most commonly guilty of. Not I of course, but most people. Not much I can say to dissuade people from doing this other than a pro and con list:

- Worse gas mileage.
- It’s Illegal
- You get speeding tickets
- More wear and tear on car
- life threatening to yourself and people around you
- More stressful


- On a 65 mile trip, going 75mph instead of 65mph will get you there in 56 minutes rather than 60 minutes.
- If you get in a crash, you won’t have to worry about those nagging hospital bills.

Aaron, tell us what to do about this scourge on the earth!

Well, the most effective method would probably be rocket propelled grenades. Followed closely by various large caliber, high cyclic rate firearms mounted to the roof of your car. Unfortunately there are some silly laws about these obvious convenient car appliances. The next option, and one that I really like is a two-sided marquee mounted on the roof of your car. Have quick pre-programmed buttons that you can hit and it will loftily scroll such phrases as:
It is possible that this problem will never be solved until drivers licenses are only given to people on a professional basis and only after a full psyche examination. I do dream of a perfect world in the future where human minds are replaced on the road with computers, which are inherently more polite than people. Until that time, think about your fellow peers on the road, they are all people just trying to get from point A to point B like you are. Treat each other with respect and karma will find your place in the world as somehting other than a hamburger patty between two gravel trucks.

And thus ends my rant. Drive safe now!

/rant off

*carpidity is a stupidity done with a large deadly chunk of metal on powered wheels.

**che and ches are words that I created to replace he, him, his and the improper they, them, their as non-gender specific subject identifiers.

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